I am a failure

I learned a post today that inspired me to inscribe about something that had been in my recollection for a long time now.

I had not really talked about it much, or written nearly it. I did not feel I could. Now I effect.

A few years ago, I had this grand, neat plan. I was going to take a year-prolix orchestra sabbatical to enroll into accelerated nursing admonish. And then gloriously return to the point as a classical musician with a BSN. Pick and select my concerts, work as a fondle on days off… what eminent life.

Well that all went along the course of the drain.

I was fired in December 2012. I shameless my symphony job that I had held as being 15 years. It happened a hardly any months after the end of my wedlock, of also 15 years.

I furthermore had an injury. My right carpus, pronator tendon, was torn. I could not cozen anything that involved turning my direct hand in. Or out. I could not wave. I could not climb. I could not toil. Essentially, I could do nothing.


I was scared. Embarrassed. I felt panic and shame that were beyond my facility to cope. I had failed my wedding. I had failed my job. I cried nearly everyday, for months. I felt completely bewildered, in the dark. I had similar bouts of panic that the only thing I could do was gain out in the street and pour forth. I started running at night, in the central part of the night, just to unmolested my mind, get away from it.

I was grieving. Only I did not know it. Because I was in the something intermediate of it.

I had been a musician my total life. I had played cello as I was 9 years old, and worked in each orchestra since I was eleven. I was a musician else than a mother or even a person. That was my identity.

I had a piece of work which was tenured for life. To fail to keep that job, an orchestral job, in quest of which competition is so fierce, to me was the cessation of my life.

What bullshit.

So I placed a bottle of whiskey in the kitchen. And mounted my way bike in front of my deposit. I had to get up and get along with you to the kitchen for that dawn shot of whiskey. Numb the observe. Then get on the bike and impulse the day. Finish prereq. classes in quest of school. Study, wrist therapy, run, garble, clean, take care of my kids, study besides, cry, sleep. Get up. Repeat.

I was very poor . What if I didn’t persuade into nursing school? What if nursing chide didn’t work? What if I didn’t like it?

I believe I just had to have destitute of vision faith. Trust. Trust my gut. Trust that there would be light at the cessation of the tunnel. Or something.

I nay longer had income. I was bleeding financially, going further and further into debit. Palpating in the dark. Trusting that something would draw near out. And the total fear of failure in the back of my intellect.

I almost flunk one of my exceedingly first classes, pathophysiology and pharmacology. I passed it through a few points, really, it was like a clusterfuck of a disaster. I felt I had not at all idea what I was doing. Keep going, stand by going. My God what am I doing??? Why am I doing this??? What the limbo am I doing with my life???? Where the infernal spirits am I going???

In the centre of that whole mess, nothing made faculty of perception to me anymore. I want to cozen this. I want to do this. I elect do this.

And so I graduated. A year gone now. I was totally broke. What a failure. How up~ the body earth could I ever earn a job in a field that was in the same state foreign to me? And where?

My place of ~. My peace. Wyoming. The mountains. I learned non-stop before my summer piece of work, and took the boards. I deliberate in the climb gym in Jackson. They had a distance upstairs. And wifi. I studied upstairs. Then went downstairs and did laps. Jason Sloan, afterward an Enclosure employee, helped me through the routes.

Another friend, Mitch, helped me pay on account of travel for the boards. Took the the stage. Started to send applications everywhere, and rejections came from in all quarters. It was a shower of rejections. Loser. Keep going. Less lamenting, more clicking. Keep clicking. Until I got human being call. And another. and I am acquisition calls for interviews in the middle of orchestra rehearsals. All of a unlooked for failure is looking pretty sweet.


Here I am, a year later graduating.

Failure made me rethink my life. Appreciate my life. It made me take unnoted roads, and realize through these exceeding years that it is actually feasible to love my work, where I live, and the folks around me who accept me by reason of who I am.

Failure burns cruel. And I don’t forget. My allow truth. And peace.

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