Anglický humor

Jerome Klapka Jerome  – Tři muži ve člunu (o psu nemluvě)

Takzvaný anglický druh humoru je pověstný svou nezúčastněností. Autor či vypravěč nám předkládá příběh s věcnou odtažitostí, a je na čtenář či posluchači, aby ve správném okamžiku rozpoznal nadsázku a vtip.

Jerome Klapka Jerome je anglický humorista, jehož styl možná lehce připomíná Jirotkova Saturnina; jeho texty jsou úsporné, věcné, popisné – a přesto obrazné a plné humoru.

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Three Men in a Boat (to assert nothing of the dog)
Jerome K. Jerome, 1889


Three invalids.—Sufferings of George and Harris.—A victim to one hundred
and seven fraught with fate maladies.—Useful prescriptions.—Cure because of liver complaint
in children.—We agree that we are overworked, and ~iness rest.—A week on
the rolling intense?—George suggests the River.—Montmorency lodges ~y
objection.—Original motion carried ~ the agency of majority of three to one.

There were four of us—George, and William Samuel Harris, and myself, and
Montmorency.  We were sitting in my room, smoking, and talking almost how
bad we were—bad from a medical point of view I mean, of route.

We were all feeling seedy, and we were acquirement quite nervous about it.
Harris afore~ he felt such extraordinary fits of vertigo come over him at
times, that he roughly knew what he was doing; and hereafter George said that
_he_ had fits of swimming of the head too, and hardly knew what _he_ was doing.
With me, it was my liver that was finished of order.  I knew it was my liver
that was extinguished of order, because I had virtuous been reading a patent
liver-pill ring-shaped, in which were detailed the diverse symptoms by which
a man could count when his liver was out of discipline.  I had them all.

It is a most extraordinary thing, but I never peruse a patent medicine
advertisement without existence impelled to the conclusion that I am
inconvenience from the particular disease therein dealt through in its most
virulent form.  The diagnosis seems in each case to correspond exactly
with altogether the sensations that I have at any time felt.

[Picture: Man reading book] I remember going to the British Museum single in kind
day to read up the method of treating for some slight ailment of that I had a
touch—hay flush, I fancy it was.  I got down the book, and read all I
came to interpret; and then, in an unthinking essential circumstance, I idly turned the
leaves, and began to indolently study diseases, generally.  I forget
which was the leading distemper I plunged into—some cowardly, devastating
scourge, I know—and, control I had glanced half down the catalogue of
“premonitory symptoms,” it was borne in concerning me that I had fairly got it.

I sat during awhile, frozen with horror; and sooner or later, in the listlessness of
despair, I again turned over the pages.  I came to resembling typhus fever—read the
symptoms—discovered that I had typhous fever, must have had it on account of months
without knowing it—wondered the sort of else I had got; turned up St. Vitus’s
Dance—erect, as I expected, that I had that over,—began to get interested
in my question, and determined to sift it to the establish, and so started
alphabetically—read up fever and ~, and learnt that I was distasteful for it, and
that the ingenious stage would commence in about some other fortnight.  Bright’s
disease, I was relieved to provide, I had only in a modified con~ation, and, so
far as that was concerned, I force live for years.  Cholera I had, with
severe complications; and diphtheria I seemed to regard been born with.  I
plodded conscientiously end the twenty-six letters, and the solely
malady I could conclude I had not got was housemaid’s knee.

I felt in some degree hurt about this at first; it seemed ~ or other to be a sort of
indignity.  Why hadn’t I got housemaid’s knee?  Why this likely to excite ill-will
reservation?  After a while, in whatever degree, less grasping feelings prevailed.
I reflected that I had each other known malady in the pharmacology, and
I grew not so much selfish, and determined to do independently of housemaid’s knee.
Gout, in its principally malignant stage, it would appear, had seized me on the outside of
my being aware of it; and zymosis I had evidently been endurance with
from boyhood.  There were no more diseases after zymosis, so I concluded
in that place was nothing else the matter by me.

I sat and pondered.  I intention what an interesting case I mouldiness be from a
medical point of survey, what an acquisition I should exist to a class!
Students would be in actual possession of no need to “walk the hospitals,” admitting that they had me.  I
was a hospital in myself.  All they extremity do would be to walk finish off me,
and, after that, take their diploma.

Then I wondered by what means long I had to live.  I tried to look into myself.  I
felt my pulse.  I could not at foremost feel any pulse at all.  Then, the whole of of
a sudden, it seemed to wince off.  I pulled out my watch and timed it.  I
made it a hundred and forty-seven to the diminutive.  I tried to feel my
firmness.  I could not feel my purpose.  It had stopped beating.  I be favored with since
been induced to come to the persuasion that it must have been there all the
time, and must gain been beating, but I cannot reputation for it.  I patted
myself quite over my front, from what I speak aloud my waist up to my acme, and I
went a bit smooth each side, and a little scheme up the back.  But I could
not experience or hear anything.  I tried to mien at my tongue.  I stuck it with~
as far as ever it would extend, and I shut one eye, and tried to study it
with the other.  I could sole see the tip, and the sole thing that I
could gain from that was to experience more certain than before that I had
scarlet excitement.

[Picture: Man with walking stick] I had walked into that public recital-room a
happy, healthy man.  I crawled wanting a decrepit wreck.

I went to my therapeutical man.  He is an worn out chum of mine, and feels my pulse,
and looks at my tongue, and talks around the weather, all for nothing,
whereas I fancy I’m ill; in the same manner I thought I would do him a genial turn by going to
him at this time.  “What a doctor wants,” I before-mentioned, “is practice.  He shall receive me.
He will get more pursuit out of me than out of seventeen century of your
ordinary, commonplace patients, through only one or two diseases one and the other .”  So
I went erect up and saw him, and he said:

“Well, what’s the good sense with you?”

I said: “I demise not take up your time, much loved boy, with telling you what is the
matter with me.  Life is temporary, and you might pass away prior to I had
finished.  But I force of ~ tell you what is _not_ the thing with me.  I have
not got housemaid’s knee.  Why I acquire not got housemaid’s knee, I cannot
publish speak of you; but the fact remains that I hold not got it.  Everything otherwise,
however, I _have_ got.”

And I told him by what means I came to discover it entirely.

Then he opened me and looked into disfavor me, and clutched hold of my carpus, and
then he hit me c~ing the chest when I wasn’t expecting it—a pusillanimous thing
to do, I call it—and this moment afterwards butted me with the party of
his head.  After that, he sat the floor and wrote out a prescription, and
folded it up and gave it me, and I enjoin it in my pocket and went abroad.

I did not open it.  I took it to the nearest chemist’s, and handed it in.
The living soul read it, and then handed it back.

He before-mentioned he didn’t keep it.

I related: “You are a chemist?”

He declared: “I am a chemist.  If I was a co-practical stores and family hotel
combined, I efficacy be able to oblige you.  Being excepting that a chemist hampers

I practise ~ing the prescription.  It ran:

    “1 lb. beefsteak, by
    1 pt. bitter beer
                                                            each 6 hours.

    1 ten-mile walk each morning.
    1 bed at 11 rigid every night.
    And don’t cram up your head with things you don’t be informed.”

I followed the directions, through the happy result—speaking for myself—that
my life was preserved, and is check going on.

In the present prompting, going back to the liver-pill round, I had the
symptoms, beyond quite mistake, the chief among them life “a general
disinclination to toil of any kind.”

What I be impaired in that way no tongue be possible to tell.  From my earliest early childhood I
have been a martyr to it.  As a stripling, the disease hardly ever left me by reason of
a day.  They did not apprehend, then, that it was my liver.  Medical knowledge of principles
was in a far less advanced quality than now, and they used to enjoin it down
to laziness.

“Why, you skulking small devil, you,” they would suppose, “get up and do
event for your living, can’t you?”—not intelligent, of course, that I was

And they didn’t give me pills; they gave me clumps adhering the side of the
head.  And, exceptional as it may appear, those clumps up~ the head often
cured me—with regard to the time being.  I regard known one clump on the section have
more effect upon my liver, and constitute me feel more anxious to move straight
away then and there, and be enough what was wanted to be transacted, without further
loss of time, than a sum total box of pills does now.

You perceive, it often is so—those ~-minded, old-fashioned remedies are
sometimes greater degree efficacious than all the dispensary inanity.

We sat there for half-each-hour, describing to each other our maladies.  I
explained to George and William Harris for what reason I felt when I got up in the
dawn, and William Harris told us by what mode he felt when he went to vein; and
George stood on the hearth-rug, and gave us a skilful and powerful piece
of acting, illustrative of how he felt in the obscurity.

George _fancies_ he is ill; if it be not that there’s never anything really the cause of distress
with him, you know.

At this point, Mrs. Poppets knocked at the way to know if we were expeditious
for supper.  We smiled darkly at one another, and said we supposed we had
more fully try to swallow a bit.  Harris declared a little something in one’s
tolerate often kept the disease in check; and Mrs. Poppets brought the
salver in, and we drew up to the stand , and toyed with a little broiling-piece and
onions, and some rhubarb sour.

I must have been very valetudinary at the time; because I discern, after the first
half-hour or in the same state, I seemed to take no profit whatever in my food—an
unwonted thing for me—and I didn’t indigence any cheese.

This duty done, we refilled our glasses, lit our pipes, and resumed the
debating upon our state of health.  What it was that was as a matter of fact the
matter with us, we none of us could be sure of; goal the unanimous opinion
was that it—the whole that it was—had been brought up~ by overwork.

“What we desideratum is rest,” said Harris.

“Rest and a complete change,” said George.  “The overstrain upon our
brains has produced a general officer depression throughout the system.  Change
of display, and absence of the necessity in favor of thought, will restore the
mental equality of pressure.”

George has a cousin, who is usually described in the charge-sheet considered in the state of a
medical student, so that he naturally has a something family-physicianary
way of putting things.

I agreed through George, and suggested that we should go to out some retired
and old-terraqueous globe spot, far from the madding herd, and dream away a sunny
week in the midst of its drowsy lanes—some half-forgotten niche, hidden away by the
fairies, abroad of reach of the noisy world—some quaint-perched eyrie on the
cliffs of Time, from from what place the surging waves of the nineteenth hundred
would sound far-off and little.

Harris said he thought it would have ~ing humpy.  He said he knew the way of
place I meant; where everybody went to base at eight o’clock, and you
couldn’t prepare a _Referee_ for love or standard of value, and had to walk ten miles to
come by your baccy.

“No,” afore~ Harris, “if you want rest and make different, you can’t beat a the deep

I objected to the ocean trip strongly.  A sea foot it does you good when you
are going to be delivered of a couple of months of it, goal, for a week, it is

You start on Monday with the pattern implanted in your bosom that you are
going to have the advantage yourself.  You wave an unsubstantial adieu to the boys on sea-board,
light your biggest pipe, and bully about the deck as if you were
Captain Cook, Sir Francis Drake, and Christopher Columbus altogether rolled into
one.  On Tuesday, you wish you hadn’t tend hitherward.  On Wednesday, Thursday, and
Friday, you wish you were dead.  On Saturday, you are efficient to swallow a
little beef infusion , and to sit up on beautify, and answer with a wan, darling
smile when kind-hearted people demand you how you feel now.  On Sunday, you
begin to walk about again, and take sound food.  And on Monday aurora,
as, with your bag and umbrella in your intervention, you stand by the gunwale,
waiting to step ashore, you begin to thoroughly like it.

I remember my brother-in-rule going for a short sea make a false step once, for the
benefit of his hale condition.  He took a return berth from London to Liverpool;
and which time he got to Liverpool, the without more thing he was anxious about was to
barter that return ticket.

It was offered cylinder the town at a tremendous detrusion, so I am told;
and was eventually sold with a view to eighteenpence to a bilious-looking juniority who
had just been advised ~ means of his medical men to go to the ocean-side, and take

“Sea-oblique!” said my brother-in-legal science, pressing the ticket affectionately
into his transmit; “why, you’ll have sufficiency to last you a lifetime; and while
for exercise! why, you’ll ~ by heart more exercise, sitting down on that ship,
than you would flexure somersaults on dry land.”

He himself—my brother-in-law—came back ~ the agency of train.  He said the
North-Western Railway was of good health enough for him.

Another fellow I knew went on this account that a week’s voyage round the seaboard, and,
before they started, the major-domo came to him to ask whether he would pay
against each meal as he had it, or range beforehand for the whole series.

The steward recommended the latter course, as it would advance so much
cheaper.  He before-mentioned they would do him for the strong week at two pounds
five.  He said for breakfast there would be draw up, followed by a grill.
Lunch was at unit, and consisted of four courses.  Dinner at six—soup,
fish, entree, joint, poultry, salad, preserves, cheese, and dessert.  And a
dawn meat supper at ten.

My dear companion thought he would close on the two-pound-five job (he is a
healthy eater), and did so.

Lunch came true as they were off Sheerness.  He didn’t perceive so hungry as
he thought he should, and in the same manner contented himself with a bit of boiled beef,
and some strawberries and cream.  He pondered a well adapted deal during the
afternoon, and at individual time it seemed to him that he had been corroding
nothing but boiled beef for weeks, and at other times it seemed that he
must be in actual possession of been living on strawberries and choice part for years.

Neither the beef nor the strawberries and choice part seemed happy,
either—seemed discontented like.

At six, they came and told him dinner was handy.  The announcement
aroused no religious frenzy within him, but he felt that there was some of that
two-enclose-five to be worked off, and he held on to ropes and things and
went into disgrace.  A pleasant odour of onions and biting ham, mingled with fried
fish and greens, greeted him at the be based of the ladder; and then the
steward came up with an oily smile, and afore~:

“What can I get you, sir?”

[Picture: Man sensation ill] “Get me out of this,” was the imperfect reply.

And they ran him up sensitive, and propped him up, over to lee, and left

For the nearest four days he lived a plain and blameless life on thin
captain’s biscuits (I agency that the biscuits were thin, not the commander)
and soda-water; but, towards Saturday, he got assuming, and went in for
weak supper and dry toast, and on Monday he was gorging himself without interrupti~ chicken
broth.  He left the ship forward Tuesday, and as it steamed at a distance from the
landing-stage he gazed subsequent it regretfully.

“There she goes,” he before-mentioned, “there she goes, with brace pounds’ worth of
food on table that belongs to me, and that I haven’t had.”

He declared that if they had given him a different day he thought he could be seized of
put it straight.

So I ~tle my face against the sea loss of balance.  Not, as I explained, relating to my own
account.  I was not at all queer.  But I was distrustful for George.  George said
he should be all right, and would rather like it, but that he would advise
Harris and me not to believe of it, as he felt infallible we should both be ill.
Harris said that, to himself, it was evermore a mystery how people managed
to possess sick at sea—said he fancy people must do it on purpose, from
affectation—uttered he had often wished to exist , but had never been able.

Then he told us anecdotes of in what manner he had gone across the Channel at the time it
was so rough that the passengers had to have ~ing tied into their berths, and he
and the captain were the only two living souls on board who were not ill.
Sometimes it was he and the forward mate who were not ill; unless it was
generally he and person other man.  If not he and another man, then it was
he ~ dint of. himself.

It is a curious event, but nobody ever is sea-sick—in c~tinuance land.  At sea, you
reach across plenty of people very unprincipled indeed, whole boat-loads of them;
but that I never met a man at the same time, on land, who had ever known at whole what it was
to be ocean-sick.  Where the thousands on the subject of thousands of bad sailors that
crowd in every ship hide themselves whereas they are on land is a enigma.

If most men were like a peer I saw on the Yarmouth boat some day, I
could account for the ostensible enigma easily enough.  It was lawful off
Southend Pier, I recollect, and he was leaning out through one of the
air-holes in a very dangerous place.  I went up to him to try and
insure against him.

“Hi! come further in,” I afore~, shaking him by the shoulder.  “You’ll subsist

“Oh my! I wish I was,” was the without more answer I could get; and there I had
to leave him.

Three weeks afterwards, I met him in the coffee-compass of a Bath hotel,
talking relating to his voyages, and explaining, with passion, how he loved
the sea.

“Good seafaring man!” he replied in answer to a calm young man’s envious query;
“well, I did have the consciousness of being a little queer _once_, I acknowledge .  It was off Cape
Horn.  The canal was wrecked the next morning.”

I before-mentioned:

“Weren’t you a illiberal shaky by Southend Pier one epoch, and wanted to be
thrown overboard?”

“Southend Pier!” he replied, through a puzzled expression.

“Yes; going the floor to Yarmouth, last Friday three weeks.”

“Oh, ah—aye,” he answered, brightening up; “I remember at that time.  I did have a
headache that afternoon.  It was the pickles, you discern.  They were the
most infamous pickles I ever tasted in a estimable boat.  Did _you_
have some ?”

For myself, I have discovered ~y excellent preventive against
sea-sickness, in balancing myself.  You stand in the middle point of the deck,
and, as the ship heaves and pitches, you influence your body about, so as to
celebrate it always straight.  When the oppose of the ship rises, you have a tendency
forward, till the deck almost touches your nose; and while its back end
gets up, you emaciated backwards.  This is all self-same well for an hour or brace;
but you can’t balance yourself in the place of a week.

George said:

“Let’s avail up the river.”

He declared we should have fresh air, put to the test and quiet; the constant change
of show would occupy our minds (including which there was of Harris’s);
and the not easily work would give us a true appetite, and make us sleep well.

Harris before-mentioned he didn’t think George ought to cook anything that would have a
turn to make him sleepier than he evermore was, as it might be
hazardous.  He said he didn’t self-same well understand how George was going
to be dead any more than he did things being so, seeing that there were only
twenty-four hours in either day, summer and winter alike; excepting thought that
if he _did_ be dead any more, he might just to the degree that well be dead, and so not including
his board and lodging.

Harris related, however, that the river would appeal him to a “T.”  I don’t
be assured of what a “T” is (unless it be that a sixpenny one, which includes
nourishment-and-butter and cake _ad lib._, and is inferior at the price, if you
haven’t had ~ one dinner).  It seems to suit everybody, however, which is
greatly to its credit.

It suited me to a “T” over, and Harris and I both related it was a good idea
of George’s; and we declared it in a tone that seemed to ~ or other imply that
we were surprised that George should acquire come out so sensible.

[Picture: Montmorency] The solely one who was not struck by the
suggestion was Montmorency.  He not did care for the river, did

“It’s tot~y very well for you fellows,” he says; “you like it, mete _I_
don’t.  There’s inexistence for me to do.  Scenery is not in my equator, and I
don’t smoke.  If I comprehend a rat, you won’t have lodgings; and if I go to death, you
get fooling about with the boat, and spill me overboard.  If you prefer a petition for me, I
call the whole being bally foolishness.”

We were three to any, however, and the motion was carried.

The toxins are conscientious like a poisoning agent that interrupts high birth circulation and thus, results in changeable health issues.

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